


Every Single Character in the MCU Comes on Steve Rogers's Face (for his Birthday)

by mathildia



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Bodily Fluids, Crack, F/M, HYDRA Trash Party, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-15
Updated: 2015-10-20
Packaged: 2018-04-26 12:26:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5004757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mathildia/pseuds/mathildia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Frankly, this is a mess.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Most of the Avengers and Bucky

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry

“Every character?” said Tony. He had an arc reactor in his chest. It was pretty cool and made him look a lot younger and taller than he really was. 

“Yes,” said Steve. His jawline looked AMAZING. “Every character.”

“That’s a lot of come on your face,” said Bucky. Who was also in the conversation, and, it has to be said, pretty into the whole idea of everyone coming on Steve’s face. (In this story, Bucky is a bit of a slut.)

“Are you sure you can take it?” said Tony. Which was maybe a bit out of character, but he liked to take care of Steve.

“Of course I can take it,” said Steve, defiantly. “I am the most preposterously masochistic superhero of all time. I can take anything.”

“I am,” said Bruce, strolling in cautiously, “easily more masochistic than you.”

“He’s right,” said Bucky, pointing at Bruce with a metal finger of his metal arm. “We should all come on Bruce’s face.” He said this with the unmistakable cocky swagger of someone who’d had a lot of come on his face in the past, but couldn’t really remember that due to being brainwashed. Also he was much better now thanks to Steve’s dick and physique generally. 

“Sure,” said Bruce, who was making some coffee in the kitchen of The Avengers Tower in New York which was where they were. Bruce made the coffee in a particularly calm and unobtrusive way, that, really, was quite hot if a person were into that. “All come on my face. Guess how that ends.”

“I imagine,” said Tony, who was dancing to some dad-rock, “it would end with us all having to battle a come-covered Hulk. And that’s not something I need to do.” He winked at Bruce. “Again.” Bruce looked away, blushing adorably. “Anyway, all I’m saying,” Tony continued, pulling a sort of invisible white board out of nowhere, “is it’s a lot of people. JARVIS, run logistics.”

While JARVIS was doing that, Steve said grumpily and also nobly, “I know it’s a lot, that’s why I said come on my face and not fuck me.”

“They could fuck _me_ ,” said Bucky.

“That’s the sequel,” said Steve with a perky eye roll. 

Tony was about to do a sort of weird presentation for the benefit of precisely no one when Natasha said, “Erm, excuse me. Am I involved in this?”

“Of course you are,” said Steve, taking off his top for some reason. “You are one of the main Marvel characters.”

“Tell that to the people who make the merchandise,” Natasha muttered, in Russian - then back flipped across the room to land on Bucky’s lap. 

“I’m not sure how you’re going to come on my face though,” said Steve. 

Natasha grinned at Bucky. “Steve you are so, a man from the 1940s,” she said as she pulled a G spot stimulator that she always carried around, probably, from her back pocket. She was wearing the catsuit, but it had back pockets.


	2. Most people

So Steve got on the floor and lay down on the floor without any clothes on - _hot!_ \- and they got Hawkeye and Thor and Loki and they all stood around Steve and came on his face, which wasn’t difficult because Steve was naked and his body was super hot. So everyone was pretty into it, lbr. Everyone was pretty impressed with what Natasha did, as usual, and as most of them were mostly gay they had never seen female ejaculation before. Except Bucky. He had seen everything. It took her a bit longer than everyone else, but Hawkeye stood behind her and played with her tits and it went off pretty quickly after that and an impressive jet of fluid splattered onto Steve’s face and the come that was already there. 

Steve groaned. Because he was really into having come all over his face. “I’m just a kid from Brooklyn who likes come on his face,” he said, defiantly - which was how he said most things even when, as in this case, no one was really opposing him in any way.

Then Tony looked down at Steve who had a mixture of sticky fluid all over his eyes and mouth and all up in his hair. “Happy now, Mr Frosty?” he said, irreverently. 

Steve opened his eyes with difficulty. “Nope,” he said, sassily, because he was sometimes sassy, actually, it’s good characterisation. “I said every character.”

So they sighed because Steve was such a bitch sometimes and went and got Pepper and Jane and Maria, and Natasha showed them how to use her G spot stimulator and they were amazed. And Jane said, “What is the fluid though?” and Natasha said, “No one knows.” And Jane was amazed at how science consistently ignores women’s bodies and applied for some research funding. The application was rejected. And then they gave the G spot stimulator to Darcy and that was when Steve nearly drowned. 

Then Rhodey turned up and Nick Fury, who both came on Steve’s face in abrupt, under-developed ways despite being played by two of the most accomplished and charismatic actors in the MCU. Also Sam Wilson was there and said to Steve, “I really don’t want to get involved in this weird Avengers stuff.” And Steve said, “Oh go on, it’s my birthday.” So Sam came on his face. And that was really fucking cute and hot. 

Also Quicksilver and The Scarlet Witch were randomly involved. And everyone from Agents of Shield. Which went on a bit - but some people stuck with it. And by the end most people were quite nauseous, but that was because Joss Whedon had filmed the entire thing in one single, confusing shaky-cam shot. Even though that doesn’t make much sense when everything is a CGI composite. Which this is, btw.

Steve said, “There really are a lot of characters, aren’t they?” wiping yet more come out of his mouth and eyes. 

And Tony said, “Who are you talking to?” Steve shrugged. “You’d better not be breaking the fourth wall,” said Tony. And then Bucky winked at you. _Yes, you_. 

Lastly, something happened with Vision that was interesting and engaging and everyone was pretty surprised about that.

“I sure am gotta be guessing you’re about done with all of this now, sugar doll babe, for sure?” said Bucky who had gone a bit Irish. 

“No way, Buck. We’re not done here,” said Steve, sitting up and shaking come from his hair like a wet dog. He had also come on his own chest several times while everyone who had come on his face so far was coming on his face, so basically it was everywhere. “I am gonna have people come on my face until the end of the line. Go get everyone from Hydra.”

“Shit,” said Bucky. His penis was enormous. Not because of the mention of Hydra. It was always enormous.


	3. Like, Hydra

Brock Rumlow and Jack Rollins were, of course, perfectly used to coming on people’s faces. It was after all, what Hydra was mainly for, probably. Although, usually, the comee wasn’t standing in the middle of the room, already covered in a ludicrous amount of dried secretions and eating a slice of birthday cake.

“What? You want us to come on the fucking cake?” said Rumlow, snapping the straps of his harness onto nipples for no reason. (There was never a reason.)

“Fucking behave yourself,” said Rollins, unzipping his pants in an extraordinarily capable way. “Whoever heard of anyone coming on birthday cake.”

Rumlow followed Jack’s lead, frowning, “But at my last birthday, you said…” And then Jack hit Rumlow in the face and then they started violently making out. 

Alexander Pierce put his hand on Steve’s shoulder in a creepy paternalistic way and suggested, creepily, that Steve sit on the couch. Steve did so and then Pierce creepily came on his face. Then Rumlow and Jack Rollins jerked each other off aggressively over Steve and all the Hydra ones who stand in the background stood in the background jerking off over Steve’s face.

Natasha looked around, holding her g spot stimulator. “Are all of you men?” she said. The Hydra goons looked around at each other as if this a something they had never been asked to assess before. “Yeah,” said Jasper Sitwell. “Yeah, we are.”

Maria Hill shrugged. “But why?”

“Lack of imagination, probably,” said Pepper. Natasha put her G spot stimulator away, sadly. She was sad because of lazy Hollywood sexism. 

Pierce had brought those hologram people with him from his meetings and although Bucky said, “What’s the point of that?” Steve thought some holographic semen might be a nice change. Because, in all honesty, at this point, the skin around his mouth and eyes was getting a bit sore, even with super healing and being a massive slut.

The holographic people holographicly jerked off over Steve. Natasha tried to work out if the holographic woman could use her non-holographic G spot stimulator, but it turned out the woman was trans and still ejaculated with her dick so it wasn’t an issue. Natasha apologised for making assumptions. While that was happening, Pierce creepily turned to Bucky and said, “I realise this narrative exists in a sort of quasi-liminal space and at a non-specific point in all of our fictional timelines, however, are we going to address the issue of you and I being in the same room, coming on Steve’s face.” He put his hand on Bucky’s shoulder in a creepy, paternalistic way. 

“Good point,” said Bucky, in the unmistakable tone of someone who was about to ironically murder all the people who had made him do murders, whipping around and quickly putting on his muzzle and Winter Shoulder armour and picking up a giant machine gun. He stabbed Pierce in one of his lumber vertebrae and then machine gunned all the hydra people to death. Everyone who had survived, cheered. It was pretty awesome.

Pierce’s spinal injury had caused him to lose control of his bowels and bladder and also to become impotent. “That was the last coming on someone’s face you’re going to be doing for a long time, i.e. forever,” sneered The Winter Solider. Who then changed back into casual clothing and made out with Steve for ages even though he was so covered in semen he looked like a snowman.

“You done now, Captain Grandfather Paradox?” said Tony, who was instructing Jarvis to buy a new sofa.

“Language!” sad Steve, bafflingly. “And no, I am not.” He gasped, as Bucky stuck three fingers up his ass and beckoned Thor to join them - but not with the fingers that were inside Steve’s ass, as Thor would not be able to see that, however, be assured Bucky was making a similar movement with those fingers too. 

“I have to go back in time,” said Steve, with a sudden and unsurprising determination to take this to preposterous extremes. “Get Loki or Scarlett Witch or some hand wavy magical device, that can ostensibly do whatever the plot, or in this case my dick, needs to happen. Everyone I met during WWII must come on my face and especially the guy played by Richard Armitage.”

“Really?” said Pepper, “he was a bit part, at most.”

“Yeah,” said Sam. “Was he even named in the movie?”

Jack Rollins lifted his head briefly from where he was bleeding to death. He looked like he was about to challenge this slur on people who weren’t even named in the movie, but he was too dying.

“Is it still your birthday though, if you go back in time?” said Bruce, thoughtfully and sensitively. Tony started making a 3D holographic spreadsheet about it.

While they were waiting for someone to invent time travel, Thor and Bucky DP’d Steve for a bit. Natasha filmed it for her own personal use.


	4. The utter horror of war and epistolary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And now something for all you history fans...

_Somewhere in the WWII,  
Sometime during the WW2,_

Dearest Bucky,

That time travel happened abruptly. Have you and Thor actually been introduced?, Anyway war is bad, but Colonel Philips came on my face.,

Til the end of the line. I miss your dick,

_Stevie,_

*

_Somewhere else in the WWII,  
Also, some other time,_

Dearest Bucky,,

I chased the man played by Richard Armitage so far we ended up in Liverpool. Where ever that is. Anyway war is bad, but he came on my face in a submarine.,,

Til the end of the line of your dick,,

_Steviee_

*

_The past,,  
The war,_

Dear Buck,

The Howling Commandos all came on my face. The amount of Howling was predictable,,, War is bad. I don’t want to kill anyone. I just want them to come on my face,,,

Til the end of your dick,,,,

_Stevi,,,,_

*

_More past  
More war_

Durr Bicky (Which is English for cookie dough ice cream),,,

The Red Skull and Zola came on my face, also so did a whole room full of magically enhanced Nazis. Also, someone finally told me what a fondue was,,

I wish your dick was here,,,

_Stuv,,_

PS Sorry this letter is so sticky. Fondue is really disgusting,,

*

_Wartimez,,_

Dar Bick,,,

Hitler came on my face! I hope I haven’t changed history,,

Dicks!,

_Sti,,_

*

_The War in which we were the good guys for once and it wasn’t some nebulous international politics driven dubious cluster fuck of profiteering,_

Dear Bucky,,,

Peggy came on my face. She's very modern almost to the point of anachronism. It was unsurprisingly the most emotionally engaging bit of this thing. During it we dub-smashed to ‘A Nightingale Sang in Berkley Square.’

I miss her. I miss you. I’m such a tragic character.,,,

Your own _Stevie,_

PS Sorry this letter is so sticky,,,

*

_Also the war where we won it. God WWII was the best war,,,,  
Even though war is awful,,,,_

Dearest, dear Bucky,,,

I’ve just realised your dick is actually here. War is terrible. You came on my face. Past you,,

_Stivvie,,,_

PS Sorry this letter is so, so, so, very, very sticky,,

*

"Loki, send me back in time too. I need to sock past me in the fucking face."

**Author's Note:**

> mathildia.tumblr.com


End file.
